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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29450820">(Not) Looking At You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_the_day_away/pseuds/Jay_the_day_away'>Jay_the_day_away</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autism, Autistic Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crying Crowley (Good Omens), First Kiss, Good Omens Valentines Day Fan Exchange, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Insecure Crowley (Good Omens), Insecurity, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:47:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,237</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29450820</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_the_day_away/pseuds/Jay_the_day_away</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Aziraphale hates making eye contact, Crowley thinks it's because of his serpent eyes, but is there more going on here? </p>
<p>My piece for the Good Omens Go Love Day fic exchange for Valentine's Day 2021!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>145</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>(Not) Looking At You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/freyjawriter24/gifts">freyjawriter24</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Crowley was drunk.</p>
<p>       That was the only explanation for why he'd acted so goddamn stupid. Aziraphale was drunk, but Crowley was drunker, and that's the only possible reason that a demon could have ever thought it was a good idea to kiss an angel. </p>
<p>       They'd been sitting on the couch, arguing over who had done what some four thousand years ago (neither could actually remember whose fault it was but the story involved a cow inside a house and a very distressed snake) and Aziraphale had laughed at the memory. That's what really did Crowley in, for Aziraphale was always beautiful but when he laughed the angel seemed to positively glow with happiness. </p>
<p>       Aziraphale was laughing as he gave one of his happy wiggles of his body and suddenly Crowley couldn't take it anymore, he leaned forward and kissed that glorious bastard right on the mouth.</p>
<p>       At the time it had seemed like a good idea. The apacanope was over and done, their respective sides were leaving them alone, it was the perfect time for a sappy get-together where they could say and do all the things they'd never dared.</p>
<p>        So Crowley had kissed his angel. At first Aziraphale had gone still, but with a soft noise his lips had moved against Crowley's in a shy first kiss. Crowley pulled back only slightly, to push his sunglasses up onto his head before diving back in for another brush of lips, this one even closer than the first. After several long minutes, the two separated gently, foreheads mere inches apart as Crowley opened his yellow eyes to behold his angel's blue ones.</p>
<p>        Only, he couldn't quite see all of Aziraphale's eyes, for he was staring determinedly down and to the side of Crowley. </p>
<p>       Crowley pressed another quick kiss to the side of his angel's mouth in the hopes of gaining his attention, and if Aziraphale's face hadn't already been pink he would have blushed. The angel had one hand curled around the back of Crowley's neck, and he carefully used it to pull them closer so he could press a hesitant kiss to Crowley's jawline. </p>
<p>       Hesitant? Something deep in Crowley's gut was clenched tight, some old fear that had never quite gone away. Crowley moved back slightly.</p>
<p>       "Angel?" He asked quietly. Aziraphale's eyes darted up to his face but went quickly back down before eye contact was made. The thing in Crowley's gut was like a rock. "Aziraphale, look at me, please." Crowley pleaded, and when Aziraphale froze and made no move to look, Crowley placed two fingers under his chin to guide the angel's head up.</p>
<p>       "No!" With a soft cry and a jerk Aziraphale wretched himself from Crowley's arms entirely. He managed to get to his feet but stumbled back slightly, his hands waving at his sides not in an effort to catch himself, but in plain agitation. "I don't….I don't want…" Aziraphale gasped breathlessly. </p>
<p>       He didn't need to finish. Crowley already knew. Aziraphale didn't want to look him in the eye. </p>
<p>       "We should sober up." Aziraphale stated, and just a moment later there was a foul taste in both of their mouths from the leftover alcohol. "I'm sorry, really." Aziraphale tried, but Crowley was already fumbling to put his glasses back on, desperate to cover the mark of his damnation. </p>
<p>       "It's fine. I get it." Crowley replied quickly, and although it really wasn't fine, he did understand. Crowley hated looking at the putrid things in the mirror. "My bad, yeah? Should have left the glasses on." He hoped the waver in his voice wasn't noticeable.</p>
<p>       "They do help a bit, sometimes." Aziraphale admitted, sounding relieved. "Although they're not a perfect solution." </p>
<p>       Crowley swallowed hard, but it did nothing to help the hard lump in his throat. He would have tried to reply, but the stinging in his eyes was currently taking all of his attention to hold back.</p>
<p>       "Crowley, dear?" Aziraphale continued. Crowley jerked his head to show he was listening. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't try that again, it's…..not pleasant for me."</p>
<p>       Crowley had thought he knew what the worst pain in existence felt like, now he's wondering if he wasn't wrong. Aziraphale had hated Crowley kissing him. </p>
<p>       "'Course, angel. Won't try that again, that's for sure." His words sounded funny, even to his own ears. Crowley tried to cover it by standing quickly. "I should go."</p>
<p>       "Oh? But-"</p>
<p>       "It's getting late. I need to get home." Crowley very nearly snapped. Aziraphale started wringing his hands together. </p>
<p>       "My dear, if it's something I've done…" </p>
<p>        "Nope. Nothing you've done. We already established that it was my fault, haven't we?" Crowley responded harshly. He couldn't help it. Out of everyone, he'd thought Aziraphale would understand. Crowley didn't want to have serpent eyes! He didn't want to be constantly reminded of his failure as an angel, of his status as unlovable. Now he supposed he would have done well to remember he was damned before falling in love with an angel. </p>
<p>       Crowley quickly gathered his coat and put it on while Aziraphale fretted. It wasn't until he was exiting the back room, with Aziraphale trailing behind him, that the Angel spoke again.</p>
<p>       "Crowley, please! I can't help it, I'm sorry I-" But Crowley had already whipped around.</p>
<p>       "Don't." He practically hissed, and watching Aziraphale draw back from him brought none of the vicious pleasure he was hoping for, but rather an aching longing to pull him closer and soothe his nerves. "I know. I know, okay?" But the hitched sob in the middle seemed to strengthen Aziraphale's resolve. </p>
<p>       "But you don't! How could you know when I've never told you? I've never told you how it makes me feel." </p>
<p>       "Aziraphale, I'm not going to stand here and listen to you rant about how my godforsaken snake-eyes make you feel bad!" Aziraphale seemed surprised, but Crowley, even heaving for breath as he was, was just getting started. "I know what they look like! I know what they are! They're a constant fucking reminder that I am unforgivable! A disgrace to creation! They're a reminder that She hated me so much that she hurled me out of Heaven and into a giant fucking lake of burning sulphur! And I'm sorry!" Here the sobs briefly overtook him, for Crowley was crying full out now, but with a shudder he pulled in a deep breath to finish. "I'm sorry that you don't like them! I'm sorry that they hurt you, but God-fucking-damnit, angel. How do you think they make me feel?" </p>
<p>        There's a moment, a moment where Aziraphale waits to make sure Crowley is done speaking, before he moves. Slowly he pulls a handkerchief from his pocket, and then carefully offers it to his demon. Crowley takes it but doesn't wipe at his face. </p>
<p>       "Crowley, dear." Aziraphale says softly. Fiddling with his ring as he stares at Crowley's feet."I had no idea you felt that way, and while I certainly will address it, I think the first thing I need to say is that my lack of eye contact is not about your eyes." Aziraphale pauses for barely a moment to let it sink in before he explains. "I've always had issues, with eye contact that is. Whether with you, or a human, or the Archangels. It...hurts isn't exactly the right word. My eyes don't hurt from it, but something in my brain does. Like I'm getting phantom pain signals, almost. And that's on me, dear. That has nothing to do with your eyes, which I happen to think are quite lovely." </p>
<p>       Crowley stares, uncomprehending, his brows slightly furrowed.</p>
<p>       "It hurts you?" Is Crowley's first question, and in his mind the most important one, for nothing comes above his angel in his book.</p>
<p>       "Well, yes. I suppose it does. Not a normal sort of pain, but pain nonetheless." Aziraphale answers hesitantly.</p>
<p>       "And it's not because of me?" He questions anxiously. </p>
<p>       "Certainly not. I've had this problem longer than I've known you, dear. Did you really not notice it? After all this time?" Aziraphale draws slightly closer. Crowley just shakes his head mutely, although thinking back he does recall wondering what the angel's fascination with watching people's lips was. "Well, now that I've cleared that up, I would like to say that while your eyes may reflect your status as a demon, you are in no way unforgivable. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I forgive you." Crowley can't help the bitter laugh that springs forth.</p>
<p>       "You actually forgive me? I've just yelled at you for something that isn't your fault and you forgive me, just like that?" Aziraphale frowns.</p>
<p>       "Yes, I do actually. Although I wasn't actually talking about that. I meant that whatever you did to make you think you deserved to go to Hell, I forgive you for it." Aziraphale nods decisively. Crowley gapes at him.</p>
<p>       "You…? You don't even know what I did!" </p>
<p>       "No, I don't. And I don't care either. Nothing you could have done warranted the punishment you got, but if you need forgiveness for it I'll give it freely." </p>
<p>       "Angel…" Crowley says quietly, awed. </p>
<p>       "My dear, may I…?" Aziraphale extends his arms, and Crowley goes into them gladly. A few more sobs and tears are choked back as he lets the angel hold him, Aziraphale gently rocking them side to side. </p>
<p>        Eventually Aziraphale draws back, taking the handkerchief from Crowley, he begins to wipe at Crowley's cheeks. At one point he carefully lifts the dark sunglasses, not enough to reveal Crowley's eyes, but enough to dab underneath them, Aziraphale's gaze on the white cloth all the while, before gently replacing the glasses and surrendering the handkerchief back to Crowley's hand. Crowley wipes his nose quickly, and with the other hand pushes up his sunglasses just slightly higher to fix where Aziraphale had put them.</p>
<p>       "You can take them off, if you don't want to wear them." Aziraphale offers.</p>
<p>       "Don't wanna hurt you." Crowley responds sincerely, and thinking back adds; "You said they help, right?" </p>
<p>       "They do, a bit." Aziraphale admits. "But sometimes it makes me a tad jittery, not being able to tell if you're looking at me or not." </p>
<p>       "Well, which do you want right now?" Crowley asks kindly. Aziraphale rubs the fabric of the bottom of his waist coat back and forth between his fingers nervously. "It's alright either way." Crowley assures.</p>
<p>       "On, please." Aziraphale practically whispers, clenching his eyes shut tight. Crowley rubs his upper arms reassuringly.</p>
<p>       "Hey, that's alright. That's fine." And remembering what Aziraphale said earlier, he feels shame creep in. "I'm sorry for-for kissing you when you didn't want it." Crowley says with a wince. That gets Aziraphale's eyes open again, the sky blue orbs are wide with surprise. </p>
<p>       "What do you mean? Of course I wanted you to kiss me!" Aziraphale cries.</p>
<p>       "What? But you said you didn't like it!" </p>
<p>       "When?" Aziraphale demands.</p>
<p>       "When you asked me not to do it again!" Crowley is certain.</p>
<p>        "When I-oh, bother." Aziraphale sighs. "I wasn't talking about our kiss, Crowley. I meant when you touched my chin and tried to move my face. I didn't like that, it reminded me of...well, it doesn't matter, I just don't like that." </p>
<p>       "Oh." Crowley says, at a loss for words.</p>
<p>       "I'm sorry." Aziraphale apologizes. "I've been so unclear tonight, I didn't mean to upset you." And the pout of his lip would and has made Crowley stop time for him. </p>
<p>       "It's not your fault, angel. I guess we've both been a bit unclear tonight." Aziraphale sighs in relief and leans his head onto Crowley's shoulder. "You alright, there?" The demon asks. </p>
<p>       "I should be asking you that." Aziraphale mumbles. "After the harm I've caused." </p>
<p>       "Hey, now. None of that." Crowley says quickly. "I'm right as rain, me. Er, or wrong as rain? Whatever. I'm fine now. I asked about you." But Aziraphale barely seems to hear him.</p>
<p>       "I should have just let you. Why couldn't I just let you make me look?" He asks morosely. </p>
<p>       "Okay, um, no." Crowley says in an alarmed tone. "If I'm pushing your boundaries you actually should stop me. You told me no, angel. You did good." </p>
<p>       "But you got so upset…" </p>
<p>        "Look here." Crowley starts firmly. "It doesn't matter what I do, if it's something you don't want then you tell me no. I got upset because of a misunderstanding. Believe me, I wouldn't have yelled at you if I'd known the real reason. But even if I had, you would still be in the right to tell me no. You know that, yeah?" </p>
<p>       "....you didn't really yell…"</p>
<p>       "Yes, I did. And I'm sorry."</p>
<p>       "Mostly you cried…" </p>
<p>       "You utter bastard." Crowley says fondly. "You know you can tell me no, right?" Slowly, Aziraphale nods. "Good. Now what do you say to a century long nap? 'Cause that wore me out." </p>
<p>       "Crowley!" Aziraphale admonishes. "I've a shop to run! I can't be napping in the backroom with you all the while." </p>
<p>       "Oh, come on. Let me tempt you?" When Aziraphale doesn't protest he goes on. "A year long nap then?" </p>
<p>       "Crowley!"</p>
<p>       "Okay, okay. How about the rest of the night?" </p>
<p>       "I think that could be manageable." Aziraphale admits with a smile. </p>
<p>       Taking Crowley's hand, they return to the plush couch in the backroom, and if neither of them leaves it for three days, well, they are retired now after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to freyjawriter24, who accepted my idea with the utmost enthusiasm! </p>
<p>And thanks to my friend Bri, who always has a kind word to say about my writing! </p>
<p>As my first published work, it's a little nervewracking to see it go up. Please leave comments and kudos if you liked it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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